Bad Writing In Twilight
by Gocatcatcat
Summary: We've all seen it. Bad writing invades our brains. I'm here to help in an amusing manner. So open it. Worst-case scenario: your writing and views on other pieces of writing will improve.
1. Twilight

Since some people, apparently, cannot tell good fanfiction from horrible writing, I wrote this loose explanation of what Twili

Since some people, apparently, cannot tell good fanfiction from horrible writing, I wrote this loose explanation of what Twilight fanfiction should NOT look like. If you wish to become a better writer (there is always hope) try to avoid these mistakes like the plague. Oh, and if you have any more ideas, please tell me about it. I may wish to continue this, after all. I take it upon myself to save the world from sheer stupidity (a disease that appears to be contagious)

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. I just try to make sure that the people on fanfiction don't ruin the series for the rest of the world.

General mistakes in writing fanfiction: First, you've got the general ground to cover. Your story may be decent, or even good, but you'll get flamed from here to some distant location if you don't follow these guidelines.

Use proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling. If you are incapable of this, find help. If no one can read your story, that gets you nowhere. And it just makes you sound stupid.

Don't stick an author's note in every sentence. The reader doesn't care if you wear the same shoes as the character, or you have an inside joke with some particular remark that a character made. We really don't. And it distracts from the actual story!

Do not pull a Gossip Girl and make your story an advertisement for every clothing brand and car company out there. If it plays a big part, or adds to character development, it's okay. If you use it excessively, it's a major no-no.

Leave the inside jokes out of the story! Contrary to popular belief, most people do not have cameras following them all their life, and the footage is not widely distributed to everyone in the world. Unless you live in a "Truman Show" type thing.

Don't make the whole chapter one long paragraph. No matter how hard your reader tries to concentrate, their eyes will inevitably jump around and not be able to follow the story.

Don't rush the story. SLOW DOWN! Don't try to fit a scene that should be 2,000 words long into 500. It just sounds bad. Really bad. Like, the Titanic being a bad idea, bad.

Don't hire a bad beta. Just because someone checked it, doesn't mean there are no mistakes. If you advertise that you have a beta, the mistakes just jump out that much more.

Don't make idiotic pairings, unless they're idiotic on purpose. For instance: Emmett and Jessica. If you can't see what's wrong with that, then you are beyond hope in your writing. Or maybe you just have a really, really good imagination.

Cross-species relationships that don't work. At all. Here's a not very subtle example, a goldfish and a vampire. A less subtle, yet equally bad idea: A non-vegetarian vampire and a werewolf.

Don't trust story ideas that you think of while you are one or more of the following: half-asleep, PMS'ing, under the influence, recovering from a head injury, or anything else that might affect your judgment.

Crazy, random stories are great and amusing right now, but when you grow up you will most likely get tired and embarrassed of them. Be ready.

Think twice about all story ideas. Make sure to rethink after the initial "I'm so clever! That's such a great idea!" feeling passes. You may realize that you have a crossover that would never happen.

Don't copy things directly from books. The reader will notice. If you know nothing about being sarcastic, don't copy sarcastic comments from the books. The readers have most likely read the books too!

Try to not make sentences that sound like a kindergartener wrote them. Ex. "The cat jumped table. Cat fell off table. Cat hurt. Cat gets their foot amputated by a highly skilled surgeon, in a futile attempt to save the feline." Obviously, my brain couldn't stand to write any more horrid sentences, and switched to sounding like a kindergartner with an encyclopedia.

Always re-read what you've written.

Make sure everything is realistic. We don't want Batman taking modern jazz classes (unless it's a comedy). Also, make sure facts are accurate. Don't make a snowstorm in California. In the summer.

Just be careful about what you write. Authors do read fanfiction (as proven by Alice's new shopping addiction, and J.K Rowling's revelation that Dumbledore was gay. With Grindelwald.

It's okay to write bad stories when you're starting off. Looking back at stories that I wrote in 7th grade, I wish to lock my 7th grade self in a closet with an English textbook, and never let her out. We all make mistakes, but let's grow from them.

Out Of Character- When authors do it they get fans that write death threats. Fanfiction authors tend to make this mistake, but with less extreme results.

Here are some common OOC examples for Carlisle: -Hey kids! Let's go kill some humans and drink their blood!

-Esme, you want to play Doctor? (Insert sketchy waggling eyebrows here)

-Anyone want to go out for pizza after we do our Voodoo chicken sacrifice ritual?

-Life is terrible. There is no reason to exist. I'm going to cut my wrists with a sledgehammer, dye my hair black, and listen to loud music.

-My homies! What's-a-crack-a-lack-in'? Word.

And now let's look at Esme OOC: -Who cares about your feelings?

- I just bought the whole furniture department at IKEA!

-So… Edward… what are you doing Saturday night? Because Carlisle and I were thinking about this threesome…

- I'm going to take a yoga class!

- I hate kids. Can't we send them off to some summer camp, or something?

It's not so much fun doing Esme OOC, so let's move onto Rosalie: - I'm cutting off my hair and giving it to cancer patients. Wait, what do you mean it doesn't grow back?!

- Bella. I'm going to kidnap you, lock you in a closet, and use several forms of torture and two types of Kung Fu on you. And possibly eat your elbow.

-You know, I like that Mike kid. Emmett, I'm leaving you for him.

- Emmett, I'm becoming a nun. So, no more kinky sex for you.

- Can vampires fly?

-Edward, can you read my mind? Because all I'm getting is elevator music, and I want to be know what I'm thinking.

(Goes into a relationship with anyone other than Emmett)

Emmett OOC: - You guys, I have a secret. I'm Hannah Montana.

I wonder what happens when you mix these two highly dangerous chemicals together…

Oh yeah, Bella. I sent Charlie an email telling him all about the vampires. Did I mention the Volturi visit in an hour?

I'm rebelling against killing animals. I now live off the blood of plants.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and shake it all about. You do the hokey- pokey and you turn it all around. That's what it's all about.

Alice OOC: -I just spent the rest of our money on designer clothing! We're in poverty, but look at this Betsey Johnson dress!

Jasper, you're too tall for me, you I have taken it upon myself to surgically graft stilts onto myself.

(Lots of squealing and giggling)

Basically, most of what Alice does in Breaking Dawn.

I'm going ghetto.

Jasper OOC: -I is going to go kill every human in a 100-mile radius. (Bad grammar intended)

-I love the Union Army!

-Do these pants make my butt look big?

Bella OOC: -La la la! Isn't life, like, wonderful!

-I'm going to put on three-inch heels and a floor length gown for a trip to the mall

-I'm going to kill Charlie.

-I'm going to develop an eating disorder!

Bad Story Ideas: If you are a great author, or you can develop these ideas fantastically, great for you. But in most cases, these types of stories suck. Badly.

Mike rapes Bella, tries to kill her seven times, murders Edward, rapes Bella (again), and joins the Volturi as the first human member of the Vorturi.

Rosalie runs off with Edward, Bella marries Emmett, and then continues on to become an elite assassin that goes around killing CEOs of big companies with malicious intents. I think Emmett goes on to become an arms dealer… (I seriously read one of these stories. It was a while back, so I don't know if anyone remembers it)

Stories that get mashed into paragraph. Example: I love Edward, but he got eaten by Jacob. I was mad at Jacob, but he gave me a pet bunny, that I ate. Then the Volturi came, and I said hello. They said that I had to die, and so I complied.

Embry imprints on a human male. Edward ALSO imprints on the human male (somehow) and leaves Bella. The human male falls in love with Bella, who still loves Edward. Yeesh.

The fine line between comedy and crap: There's a fine line between comedies, and really bad stories. Everyone has his or her own views on where that line is, but here is my idea:

Comedy: Here's an example of comedy (in my views)- Leah and Jacob have a baby. The baby comes out while Leah's phased, so the baby looks like a baby wolf. Not knowing what to do, they give the baby wolf to Bella, under the cover of a birthday present of a puppy. Edward tries to eat the "puppy" and Bella scolds him. 15 years pass, and the "puppy" never grows, until one day, the "puppy" phases in the family room, into a teenager.

That story explanation might have been bad, but the story idea sounds funny to me.

Bad story that's meant to be funny: Edward loses a shoe. Bella finds the shoe, and looks inside to find… drugs. Bella confronts Edward, who eats her and runs off with Jacob to get eloped.

Right. Obviously a bad story. A VERY bad story.

And that's it for this chapter. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but reviews are welcome! I hope I helped you with your writing!


	2. Twilight cont

**Hey guys! Here's to me finally forcing myself to type out a chapter that I finished writing a month ago.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, you, or even to a certain extent: myself. Can one ever really "own" something? Before I go into a long philosophical rant, I'll move on. **

Don't listen to what anyone (excluding myself, and Joe Plumber, of course) says. Fanfiction is usually an acquired talent.

Of course, there are some people whose first fanfiction is better than someone else's tenth. The worse, yet more experienced, writer is usually an idiot, and the better writer may have been reading fanfiction for a while, just never written anything. Plus, the worse writer is generally an idiot.

While we all know that bad fanfiction is sometimes amusing, a lot of people can't stand it for long. These days more and more, I find myself starting a story, only to have my head roll back so that I am staring at the ceiling. After about five minutes, I realize that I have stopped reading.

What has happened? Are all the good fanfictions hiding from me, in a plot to bore me to death? Or am I suddenly noticing these things more?

Possibly both.

I think it is a bit like taking a break from Disney Channel, and coming back and suddenly realizing that every episode is a cliché, the acting is horrendous, and the lines are badly written. Now I ask: is this naiveté good, or bad? Is ignorance really bliss?

Personally, I think we have our cake, and we should eat it too. Since, honestly, what good is cake if we don't eat it? (Although, mini cakes make fantastic earmuffs.). You need a good plot line, and you need to sell it too.

**How to Sell Your Plotline- **If you do not have the resources for neon lights, and celebrity spokespeople, follow my instructions: put your right hand in. Put your right hand out. Now, put your right hand in, and shake it all about. Now do the hokey-pokey, and turn yourself around.

You must be wondering, "Is that really necessary?"

And my reply is: No, not particularly. But I thought it was rather amusing. And if your story isn't amusing, no one's going to read, and enjoy, it.

But, honestly, presentation of a story is key.

Last chapter I talked a lot about improving writing, and now I shall continue.

You need a good opening. Make sure it attracts a reader's attention, and actually relates to the story.

Do NOT have the first sentence be, "My cat died of cancer when I was 7," and have the story be about Bella moving to Cuba, where she meets the Cullen Clan. What are the Cullens doing in Cuba, anyway?

Unless, of course, the cat is somehow related to the story.

Be sure to point out that she is terrified of loss, of commitment, or whatever.

**Packaging-** Packing is a key part of selling your plot. If you get a twig for your birthday, unless it's from the money tree, you'll most likely be disappointed. Take that same twig, roll it in sheets of gold, place that in a rare golden chest, with a delicate and heart wrenchingly beautiful design, inlaid with rare, priceless jewels, and fill it with money and lost works of Da Vinci, Van Gough, and Renoir, and you've got yourself quite a present.

The point of this is: 1. I like presents and 2. Packing is super-duper important.

Your story idea can suck like, "Bella gets her order at a restaurant mixed up. Will Edward be there to save her?" and change it to an epic tale of Victoria attempting to poison Bella, who is at a restaurant with her father, by switching her food order with one with rat poison and ground glass in the recipe. Edward, while stalking Bella, hears of the devious plot, but comes too late to rescue her.

Cue the dramatic music as he tearlessly cries over her dead shell of a body, while Victoria cackles evilly. Then, there is a gruesome battle in which Edward rips Victoria limb from limb, and the Volturi kill him for revealing their secret in a restaurant. The two lovers meet together again, in the beautiful afterlife.

Now, if you make spelling mistakes left and right, and turn it all into one paragraph, it doesn't look very good. If you are looking to make that plot into a comedy, you could make a few subtle changes.

The poison is concocted from melted Barbie Dolls (for irony) and a radioactive pencil (for randomness).

The following battle takes place to tap show tunes, as the watching humans dance around, dodging Victoria's flying limbs.

Instead of killing the human onlookers and Edward, the Votluri decide to go to Disney World.

**Bad Story Example 1:** **I have decided to include at least one example of bad fanfiction, so you can see what I am talking about, better. **

**Story Info: "Pants?" What has happened to Edwarde's Pants??!!11!! First Fic! No flamez!**

I Don't like cats so when Esme asked me to go to the stor, I was no happy. **(A/N so the insid joike 4 is that this time my friend and I herd that her BF was cheating at her at the local supermarker, we ran over to the local supermarket, and we saw him cheating on her at the local supermarket, right in the Deli Meats section at the Local Supermaket. And then, at the local supermarket, this cat just canin and bit me. Right in the Deli Meats Section, at the Local Supermarket.)**

And then Emett came in and said, "Edwarde, where are ur pants?"

"Pants?"

"Yeah, pants."

"Pants?"

"Pants."

"Pants?"

"Pants."

"What pants?"

"The pants that you're not wearing right now."

"I have a lot of pants, because of Alice's shoping addiction. I can't war all off them, all off the time."

"No, I mean ur not wearing pants. At all."

"Pants?"

"Pants."

"At all?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'd notice if I wasn't wearing pants."

"But you rn't!"

**(A/N SO this one time my friend went to scool and she wasn't wearing pants! I mean SERIOUSLY! No pants, at all! But she wouldn't believe anyone when they told her her. So she was all, "No I am" and we was all, like, "No PANTS ON YO BOTTOM!" and she was all, "Nuh-huh!")**

And then Emett said,

"Seriously, you're not wearing any pants."

"No pants?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"How should I know?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"YOU AREN'T WEARING PANTS!"

"I definitely remember putting on pants this morning."

"Well, retrace your steps. When did you lose ur pants?"

"I DIDN'T ****-ING LOSE MY ****-ING PANTS! OH MY ****-ING GOD! ****! ****! **** **** ***!!! YOU ARE SUCH A **** SON OF A ***8!!!11!!1

"Clam down, Edwarde. What happened to your pants?"

"Pants?"

"Yeah, pants."

"What pants?"

"The ones ur not wearing right now."

"I don't know"

"Let's retrace your steps"

"Well, I woke up, and went to Bella's house. Then I- oh. I see."

"What?"

"That's what happened to my pants."

"Pants?"

"Yeah, my pants."

"What pants?"

"The ones I left at Bella's house."

"You left pants at Bella's house?"

"Yeah."

**(A/N. I have a friend names Bella, and she wears pants. But his one time last wek she walked face-first into a brick wal and broke her elbow. Got blood all over my Mary Janes.! I yelled at her, but she didn't apologize. Just lay there twitching all over the place."**

"I should propably get my pants. Wouldn't want Jessica seeing me like this on her routine trips to our house selling cookies."

"Whos Jessica?"

"Some weird girl from school."

"Oh"

"Yeah."

"Wait, what are cookies?"

"Well, cookies are…are… I can't explain it. It's this sweet bready type thing that humans like."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"OMC! EDWARDE!UR TOTS NOT WEARING PANTSS!!!!!"

**END OF BAD STORY**

Obviously, a sad, sad, sad excuse for a story. I, of course, had a bunch of fun writing it, although, the part of my brain in charge of writing was trying to take over the part of my brain that sends messages to my legs, and make me walk off a cliff.

Let us go over some of the mistakes. The names!

Once, I was reading Artemis Fowl Fanfiction, and the author not only did not know how to spell his name (although it says his name on the Fandom! It is called Artemis Fowl! It says so RIGHT THERE!) and went on to say that they had read the story once a long time ago and might get some facts wrong.

If you have no idea what you are talking about, "fake it until you make it." Pretend you do, don't confirm people's suspicions! And would it kill you to reread the book?

You would be surprised what you could convince people of, when they are unsure.

Today, after school, I stayed after because I had a question for my physics teacher. However, 20 minutes passed, and the teacher was yet to arrive. Soon, I began to question if I was even in the correct classroom, even though I had been studying in the same classroom for months.

The names were misspelled horribly. Since when is Edward Spanish? Apparently, since living in Cuba. Why was I not notified of this? I'm always the last one to know everything.

Since when is Emmett spelled with one 'm'? Since someone ate the other m & m, apparently.

Another mistake: Edward **woke up** and went to Bella's house. Forgive my squirrelly stupidity, but I thought he couldn't sleep. I must have missed that crucial change in Breaking Dawn. Must have been because I was focused on all the other crucial changes.

Spelling mistakes. Enough said.

You may have also noticed that I very "subtly" switched plots.

There was also a ridiculous amount of lengthy authors notes! I wouldn't be surprised if they were longer than the actual story!

Out Of Character! Edward going on a swearing spree? That only makes sense in those "Dirty Talking Edward" stories that I hear so much about. I shudder to think about them.

Raise your hand if you got annoyed at my repetition of "Local Supermarket". Don't know about you, but it certainly annoyed me.

You can put your hand back down now. Seriously, you can. Okay, really. Put it down, right now! Gosh.

The "Pants? Pants. Pants? Pants" thing was pretty annoying too. It reminds me of those "What? What, what? What? You said what! No, you said what! No, I didn't. Didn't what? What, what?" conversations.

In my most humble opinion, if, during the silence that ensues after Emmett's shocking revelation that Edward wasn't wearing pants at the end of the story, Rosalie were to barge in and ask, "Dude, where's my hair dye?" it would make the story tip over into the comedy genre chasm, instead of being precarious perched on an oddly places (and extremely pointy) rock in between the abyss of bad literature, and the one labeled "Comedy".

**And that's it for this chapter. Oh, and 7 pages on Microsoft Word. (Yet, less than 2000 words. I love the space wasting of dialogue. It makes it seem like it took more effort than it actually did.)**


	3. General

**Hello, everyone. It's been a while, I know. I have no excuses. Although, I'm sure I could think of some if I were so inclined. How does this one sound: I have not been able to update for a year to this day because I was being held as a political prisoner in the Sahara Desert, where I was in charge of a Secret Service operation, and saving puppies, babies, and penguins from burning buildings.**

**One more thing! I know, I know, long author's note. I hate those, but I just wanted to let you know that this is now a story about bad writing in general, not just Twilight.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any books, or any other thing that I might feel like mentioning here. Don't sue me, because you will fail. And I shall, in turn, sue you for mental distress. (And thanks, Hannah. My fabulous consultant/beta)**

**Anecdotes and Inside Jokes:** (I'd like to point out that this title rhymed) I believe that we began talking about this earlier. Allow me to elaborate on that thought. If you wish to sprinkle in some little inside jokes that no one will notice, go ahead. If it's something like the main character eating a banana, because you like bananas, fine! Go ahead! Just, again, don't be stupid about it.

And that, my friends, lies at the heart of the battle between good writing, and bad writing. And what is that? Those who are stupid about their writing, and those who are not.

Maybe you are naturally gifted. It's possible. If you are, I am insanely jealous of you. In fact, I am glaring at you through the computer right now.

If you, like the vast majority of people, are not some super-awesome genius (complete with a cape, and a leotard), I cannot repeat this enough: There. Is. Hope.

Continuing on our path to Enlightenment, er, Decent Writing Land:

**The End:** This really should go without saying, but there's no need to write "The End" at the end of your story. People tend to realize that it's the end of your story when you stop writing, and the climax of the story has been said and done.

**Laws of Physics: **Try not to ignore the laws of physics in your stories, unless it is a specifically created alternate universe. If something goes up, it comes down. Something in motion will stay in motion until stopped by an outside force, and something will not randomly start moving unless moved by an outside force. Cartoons often ignore these laws. Do you see where I'm going with this? Do you? DO YOU? I think you do.

If time travel suddenly happens, it should be because it is in an alternate universe where this is okay, a machine is created for time travel, or some kind of magic occurs. Otherwise, the only time traveling that your characters should be doing is at a rate of one second per second. Upon further reflection, though, if your story feeds off the insane, really, do whatever you want. Make it as crazy as possible. Anyone who has read Sophie's World knows this.

**Pulling Random Objects Out of Thin Air: **Don't do this, unless the character has such a power to allow this to happen. I don't know about you, but if I need a weapon, or a key, or a cat, it does not fall out of the sky.

**Sayings that Don't Make Sense: **For example "I could care less". If you could care less, then you clearly care some. And it's not really specific! "I could care less" could also mean that you care a lot. Use "I could not care less" instead. Use it! Big Brother- er, I am watching.

**Strange Pairings, continued:** Someone once asked me "what's so bad about a non-vegetarian vampire and werewolf pairing?"

Well... A lot of things. There's the whole: I need to kill you because that's my job thing (which is a bit of a problem in most relationships) and the fact that the venom of vampires is very poisonous to werewolves.

Let's see an example of a date...

Vampire Sweetheart: Thanks for coming with me hunting. I really appreciate your not killing me while I committed the very act that you guard the world from. Oh, and sorry about that whole "turning your back on your home and everyone you love thing. I can see how that might be a bit depressing."

Werewolf: Oh, that's alright. It's not like I gave up everything I hold dear for someone from a species I despise, reeks, and met only one hour ago.

Vampire: Er, you DID meet me an hour ago.

_(Awkward silence)_

Vampire: So, should we, uh, kiss now? Or something?

Werewolf: Uh. Well, sure. Why not?

_(Each humanoid awkwardly leans over until mouths meet)_

Werewolf:_ (starts screaming in pain)_

Vampire: Darn it! I completely forgot! Vampire venom is highly poisonous to werewolves!

Werewolf_: (in between screams of pain)_ Don't you have a photographic memory?

Vampire: I do? Oh. Well this is awkward isn't it, then? Okay.... _(runs away while yelling:_ "So, don't call me. I'll call YOU about our plans this Saturday night!")

Werewolf: _(continues twitching in pain)_.

I know that first dates are usual awkward, and sometimes disastrous, but this, to me, seems particularly bad.

**Simple Things of Awesome**: I also get asked, "What can I do to make my story much better in only one minute?" Add a question mark to inquisitive sentences, and an exclamation mark to sentences with great emotion. You would be surprised about how much that helps. And no, I am not joking. You would be surprised how many people forget this! I am attaching an example of a joke so that you can tell the difference: "A guy walked into a bar and said 'Ouch.'"

**Voice:** Stories should have "voice". What does it mean? Your story should have a particular tone to it. It is very strange if you switch in the middle of your story. Some people might think someone else wrote it! And make sure the "voice" is not an annoying one. If you are not sure if it is annoying, ask someone else. Preferably not an annoying someone, because annoying people are impervious to annoying voices. They may have an annoying voice, themselves! Oh, the horror of both of those combined! As my fabulous beta/ buddy Hannah pointed out, there are examples where annoying voices make stories successful.

Her example? Catcher in the Rye, and I must agree. That story had a rather annoying voice. The main character, Holden, was a whiner who swore at least once in every sentence.

**Plagiarism : **Every so often, someone will find something clever on the internet, or some obscure story, and try to make a fanfiction out of it. Don't do this! Don't just assume that you are the only one to have ever read this story, or seen that movie. Maybe you will be able to fool a few people. But you live in fear of a potential lawsuit, and angry reviews (maybe not in that order of importance).

**Shameless Advertising**: Shameless advertisement in stories is only okay if you do a shameless advertisement dance while you're advertising. And you might want do advertise that you're doing a shameless advertisement dance, or else people will flame you for advertising. JUST KIDDING! Don't advertise in your story! Ever! Have I taught you nothing? Don't answer that. If you really need to, put it in your Author's Note at the beginning. Here's an example of shameless advertising done the right way:

_**Hello, my fabulous readers! Before I begin this story, I would like to let you know that if you like this you should read **__**What a Great Gun**__**. I co-wrote it with my friend Hannah, and I, for one, like it**_**. **

Aren't I clever? I just shamelessly advertised, and taught you something at the same time! I believe that merits a round of applause, don't you?

**Oh My God! The Horror! : **It's Godzilla! It's Frankenstein! No, it's a… it's a… Cliché! Recoil in horror, if you will. Cue the dark, ominous music. Clichés are like drugs: maybe okay once in a while, but take too many and you are dead in the gutter. Clichés such as good=light/beauty and bad=dark/hideous are fine every so often. But really, no one wants to read the same thing more than once. But really, no one wants to read the same thing more than once. But really, no one wants to read the same thing more than once. But really, no one wants to read the same thing more than once.

Yes, that was on purpose. Obviously.

**Looking Over: **Quick! You, sitting there! Yes, you. Go to the opening of chapter one. You should be looking at the beginning of the first sentence written twice. That means that I was a victim of the "Post a Document Before Looking it Over First" syndrome. You see, children, when you download documents to fanfiction, it sometimes screws with them out of pure spite. Things that should be bolded are not being bolded, or underlined, instead. Spaces are being lost in the abyss called cyberspace. I have suffered from all these symptoms of the syndrome (I dare you to say, "Symptoms of the syndrome" ten times fast! Now hop on one foot. Yes, hop my minions! Hop! )

**Accepted Fact:** Accepted fact is a strange thing. If your character live in a world where magic is accepted fact, chances are, and they aren't going "Holy snaps! Magic is happening every second!" I mean, you don't get excited every time you take a breath; you don't get excited over the awesomeness of breathing, do you? I think not. It's not like we tie prophets to a lie detector. If you believe their writings, it's accepted fact. If not, great for you. Although, if we DID tie prophets to a lie detector, that would really clear stuff up for me…

**Oh no! I'm dying!** : This is a pet peeve of mine. When a character is told that it is dying, or says, "I am dying". Well, aren't we dying from the moment of birth? Of conception, even? Slowly our cells are weakening, and losing the ability to reproduce. Instead, try something like, "I am nearing the end of my life". Or even "The speed in which my cells are weakening does not matter to me anymore, as it has just come to my attention that I have a rare tumor the size of a golf ball on my ear."

**Let's Postpone Death:** Going along with the theme of death, there's the "Let's postpone death until I'm done with this long, heartfelt speech" thing (often seen in Shakespeare). I don't know, but this seems a little odd to me. The people always seem to die one second after they are done with this hour-long speech that sounds like "Oh no, I've been stabbed! I'm bleeding out quickly! My vision is going black! Susan, I love you! I've loved you all my life! I've loved you from the moment that…. (one hour later)…. And be sure to tell my cousin to sell all my stocks in all those companies. Donate some of it to charity, but if you spent some of it on shoes, I won't really mind…. (three hours later) …. And be sure to say hi to that cashier at the supermarket. I've always liked her. Well, I guess that's it, then. (DIES)

I don't know about you, but if a character, in their dying breaths, said something like "Waffles" or "Don't eat the sushi" I would really crack up.

Now, I know that many people will hold on to life until they've gotten everything off their chest, but please don't be ridiculous. It does not match your outfit.

**The Story Died in my Arms: **The story lay, breathing its last, crying, as held it close and muttered, "There, there. The end is near. It shall all be over soon. Hold on for a bit more!" Have you ever seen that? A story starts off wonderfully, but then the author gets bored and ends it rather abruptly and in a bad way. Writing is a commitment! I know that I'm a huge hypocrite here, but deal with it.

**Fantasies:** I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that Twilight was written as Stephanie Meyer's romantic fantasy. And if you do this, chances are, you aren't fooling anyone. If you are mentally putting yourself into the story, stop it, especially if you are changing your character into a Mary Sue.

**But Maybe I'm Different: **Cut the New Age "we're all unique little butterflies" crap. If a plot has been done a gazillion times before, don't do it. Really, don't. Use your creativity on something, well, creative. (See: Oh My God! The Horror!)

**Author's Young, So They Must Be Bad:** Come on! Really, how many times have I heard this? I've seen 12 year olds write better than 20 year olds. Experience is not the same thing as age. No, it's not. Really. I pinky-swear.

**Audience:** Consider your audience. Is it a gaggle of preteen girls? Then be sure to write for a gaggle of preteen girls. Is it a bunch of intellectuals? Not that preteen girls can't be intellectuals, of course! Just, write with your audience in mind. Get it? Got it? Good.

**Desperation!** : You should not write things JUST BECAUSE you think other people will like, and review, it. You should actually enjoy writing it. Otherwise, you get bored, it is useless, and no one really wins. Except for the readers. But, somehow, I think that they shall survive.

**Don't settle for second-best:** It's past midnight. You are tired. You just want to be done with your chapter and get it up on fanfiction, so you half-ass it. I know that old song and dance, but I'm telling you that it's not worth it. Instead, go to bed. Look it over in the morning. Make it better. Did Harry Potter settle with the first wands that Ollivander handed him? No! He waited out until he got the perfect one that made sparks and magic! You do want to make sparks and magic, don't you? Sure you do. Unless you do the best writing at midnight, in which case you are probably a vampire. Congratulations, and keep it up. Please don't suck my blood.

**Sentence Structure: **Switch it up. Put commas in different places! Make it awesome! Make it fabulous! Commas make the world go round. Well, actually, that would be chocolate. But commas are still super-duper important.

**What Just Happened? : **You might want to space out the action a bit. If any of you have read much Stephen King, you would have found that sometimes, nothing really happens for the first half of his books. Then, suddenly, all the characters get killed off and everything goes to hell. This makes the reader rather confused. "Er, what? When did everyone start dying, again?" In addition to this, be sure to include even a bit of action in the beginning. Due to television and video games, people of this generation tend to have very short attention spans.

**Acid Trip on Paper:** If you want to write something insane, fine. But make sure that the reader can more or less get what is going on. Otherwise, you really don't get anywhere, and the reader shall probably hate you forever. Or just be really confused…

**I Fear the Truth! **: Get feedback, and as much as possible. After all, you might think something is pure genius when it is really a huge fail. Constructive criticism is constructive, after all!

**But it Sounds Pretty! : **Try not to be super-over-descriptive. If you spend 3 pages describing a leaf, and then another 5 describing an eye, the reader might not even remember what the plot was in the beginning. This, apparently, is called purple prose. But don't use this as an excuse to not be descriptive at all! It makes your writing sound better, makes you sound more eloquent and learned, and distracts from a very stupid, unoriginal plot. Ergo, description, like the majority of things, could be approached with caution.

**Challenge Yourself:** Right now, pick the most boring topic imaginable. Now try to write a prompt about it. It shall be your challenge! (If you actually do this, I'd love it if you would send me a copy of what you wrote, as it sounds like something I would enjoy reading). I always try making things difficult for myself, such as making a criminal the protagonist. Another thing to try: ask a friend to think of three random words and then write a short story based off the words. It works!

**Get a Life:** The people they meet, and the places that they go to often inspire writers. So, if you are holed up in a little closet somewhere, venture out into the sunlight! However, if you are only there because of strange health problems, such as being very photosensitive, I suggest you send spies out into the real world. Or create a robot where you can control its mind and live your life in the outside world through it. Or find a recently vacated dead body and- but I'm getting ahead of myself here.

**Crazy! I'm Not Crazy! :** Get to know your characters. Even sit them down for a chat in your head, if that is what it takes. You might not want to do this out loud, though. People tend to question people who talk to themselves (something I do regularly). Talk about something random and insignificant, like the weather! Not that weather is insignificant. I mean, you do have huge tornadoes, monsoons, and tsunamis because someone ticked off Mother Nature that morning. Probably Zeus….

**Endings? **: To end, or not to end, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. I know that same old song and dance: you think you are done, but are you really? Do you think you should include an epilogue? How about an extra chapter, just for kicks? Here you should get an outside opinion. Also, it's not necessarily better to know about the ending to a story before you start is, nor is it better to make it up as you go. It really depends on the author. Yes, that would be you. I just called you an author. By all means, get your ego boost of the day.

**I think that we should end here for now. My new poll question is asking if you think I should go into general writing, devote chapters to special books, or just keep this to Twilight. VOTE! OR ELSE! I'm watching you. From the closet. And if you don't have a closet, I was only saying that to test you. I'm really in the window. And if you don't have windows, Wow! Where are you, a jail cell?**


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